Monday, July 26, 2010

This is a story of a girl...6

My knight in shining armor, the love of my life, best friend, lover. Call him what you will, he saved my life. I met Jason at UPS. He worked on the airplanes that we loaded. I knew I would marry him from day 1, and it happened very fast! Eight months from our first date, we were married. The first 2 years were hard...with only 8 months under our belt, there was still a lot to get to know, and living with someone changes the whole dynamic of a relationship. I was a terrible communicator, and obviously had enough personal issues for the both of us. To add to the stress, I lost a pregnancy in the first year. I started seeing a councelor, again. We made it through, although there was doubt in my mind to this point as to whether I had made a good decision. The turning point for us was really Crossroads Community Church in Parker, Colorado. We found a great community of believers here, and began to actively seek God's plan for our relationship. This was the best season of my life. Once again, I felt very loved, accepted and truly had something to give/offer. I was not looking for anything, I was full and overflowing. We did service together, worked hard, and began to grow together.  

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

This is the story of a girl...5

Colorado Christian University...what can I say about this pivotal period in my life? I can't help but wonder how different my life would be if I had really been there. Although I was attending a Christian school, I spent less time with God than any other time in my life. I thought that everyone my age made choices like I was, that it was just a "stage" of life. As I talk to Christians my age, most were not involved in these things. I was so entwined with the secular way of life that I willing believed Satan's lies for my life.
 This was my first experience living with someone besides my family, thankfully a good one. The 3 girls that I roomed with this year have been some of my best lifelong friends. We have so many good memories together. They kept some light in my darkest hour, made me have a conscience. After my first year I chose to leave CCU and enroll at Metro State college of Denver. I say enroll instead of attend because I missed more classes than I attended. This year held more of the same, but with a much heavier heart. I was starting to see where my tracks were leading, but couldn't figure out how to get back from the point of no return.     

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

This is the story of a girl...4

For most of my life I defined myself by what made the people around me happy. When I was in the height of my depression, I stopped caring about what other people wanted me to do, and in turn stopped caring about what was good or right for me. I began to live my life with a very secular view, I immersed myself in things that made me feel good. It started with swing dancing. I took a couple lessons, and found that I was very good at it. I met a lot of fun people, none were Christians. After a few months I began to teach with some of the guys, spent all my free time at the clubs, started smoking (tobacco and marijuana), experimenting with other drugs and had multiple partners. I got a lot of praise in this environment, and for the first time in my life I felt like the star. Maybe this is why I could not see the grave I was digging. My life was kind of like Sheryl Crow's song says..."if it makes you happy, it can't be that bad. If it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad." Looking back, the three years between the time I graduated high school, and when I met Jason were filled with everything I had been taught not to do. I lied to my family about pretty much every aspect of my life, under the illusion that it would keep them from worrying. The truth is that I knew I was off track and was embarrassed. While most things I was doing were not bad in and of themselves, my motivations were. I was mad at God for letting me be sick, for ruining my life. 

Thursday, July 8, 2010

This is the story of a girl...3

I graduated high school on time, just barely, and continued my education for the sole purpose of keeping health insurance. I did not want to go to school, so I only applied to 1 school. Thankfully I was accepted to Colorado Christian University. I stopped trying to kill myself in the literal sense, and moved to a more dangerous method, sex, drugs and alcohol. I was drunk or high almost everyday. I was going to school, waiting tables and teaching dance lesssons, running. Running from what? From my disease, from my choices, from my depression, from God. I continued on this path of destruction until I met my husband. Jason made me want to be a better person. It is sort of amazing to me that one person could have such an impact on the course of my life. We dated only 6 months before we were married. September 29, 2001 was the seems fitting to me that the best day in my life to this point came just after one of the most destructive in our nation's history. We started going to church together, and although my life was not together, it seemed there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

This is a story of a girl...2

I accepted Christ as my savior when I was 13, but had never had any event in my life to really warrant a "savior". At 15 my world got rocked. On a day I can see vividly, my friends at basketball said it looked like my eyes were glowing. I was severly jaundice. We saw a doctor, and they poked and prodded, but could not figure out what was wrong with me. I can't remember how long this went on, but I do remember being terrified that I was quarintined. I never really thought about dying...looking back, certainly a real possibility. Finally, I was diagnosed and started on the worst drugs in the world to suppress my immune system. The drugs weren't near as bad as the withdrawl...I became depressed, but did not communicate my needs with anyone. I started failing classes at school and withdrew from family and friends. It got so bad that I started to cut myself, stopped eating, andeventually took a whole bottle of Tylenol. Fortunately my stomach didn't digest it...I have never thrown up so much. After a short stay at the mental hospital and much therapy, I guess I decided life was worth living. But not really.