Tuesday, July 13, 2010
This is the story of a girl...4
For most of my life I defined myself by what made the people around me happy. When I was in the height of my depression, I stopped caring about what other people wanted me to do, and in turn stopped caring about what was good or right for me. I began to live my life with a very secular view, I immersed myself in things that made me feel good. It started with swing dancing. I took a couple lessons, and found that I was very good at it. I met a lot of fun people, none were Christians. After a few months I began to teach with some of the guys, spent all my free time at the clubs, started smoking (tobacco and marijuana), experimenting with other drugs and had multiple partners. I got a lot of praise in this environment, and for the first time in my life I felt like the star. Maybe this is why I could not see the grave I was digging. My life was kind of like Sheryl Crow's song says..."if it makes you happy, it can't be that bad. If it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad." Looking back, the three years between the time I graduated high school, and when I met Jason were filled with everything I had been taught not to do. I lied to my family about pretty much every aspect of my life, under the illusion that it would keep them from worrying. The truth is that I knew I was off track and was embarrassed. While most things I was doing were not bad in and of themselves, my motivations were. I was mad at God for letting me be sick, for ruining my life.